Gay Lives Matter: A True Story

Below is a feature written by my friend who tells us HER journey about coming out. 

My name is Taylor Trush and I’m gay. 

Sometimes that feels like the best thing in the world to say, and sometimes it feels like hell.

So let me start by saying that this has been a super long process for me. I knew I was gay for at least 5 years now but I only came out for the first time about 7 months ago. I was always in such denial about my sexuality and was always super sexually confused. I never wanted to admit how I was feeling, especially to myself because it was out of the normal.

Last October I did a road trip from Calgary back home to Ontario to see some friends and family with a couple of my best friends. We were in the car in the middle of nowhere North Dakota and I turned the music down and said that I was gay out loud for the first time in my life. The only thing either of them said was “Well about time you told us!” and from there started my rollercoaster of a coming out story.

Now I wish I had some great story about my parents disowning me, or losing all my friends or anything other than a couple weird looks and a few nothing people giving me some bad reactions. But in all honesty my friends and family have been incredibly accepting and supportive of me through this whole thing. With me saying that, I know a handful of people who haven’t had such an easy go at it and I’m incredibly grateful for the amazing people I have in my life.

A couple days after I told my friends that I was road tripping with, I came out to my parents. Which was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the most rewarding. My dad made some bad joke about getting a mug that said “my daughters gay do you have a problem with that?” and my mom didn’t even blink an eye. Even my grandparents that I’ve told have been amazing about it, considering their generation isn’t always the most accepting of the forward moving times.

I’ve been working on and off in western Alberta for almost 2 years now and after this “coming out” road trip, as we call it now, I was starting a new job in Lake Louise. This was a terrifying but awesome feeling because no one knew me there and I could just be who I was without any questions asked. But at the same time it was still so fresh that I wasnt entirely comfortable being super open about my sexuality. And I had a lot of people tell me after I came out that I should be stress free now that I told everyone I care about but that was hardly the case…because once I came out I had to actually be gay. That was the most terrifying part. I could actually be myself finally but I didn’t know how because I was hiding this part of me for so long.

Once I moved into Lake Louise for the winter, it took me a while to be able to bring it up in conversation and actually tell people. My roommates would always ask if I was interested in anyone there and I would avoid the subject for a while. But I hit a point where I realized that none of these people know me and I could finally just be true to myself. That’s when I decided I was going to be more openly gay and I posted a Facebook status before the first Lake Louise pride ever.

Posting that status and picture was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I think I cried about 7 times, some of pure joy, some of crippling fear, but I have to say it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. Most of my closest friends and family had already heard it from me, so it was just random acquaintences and friends I don’t talk to as often left. A lot of people told me I didn’t owe anyone an explanation or anything but that wasn’t what it was about. For me it was about full personal acceptance and to have the confidence in myself to just have it all out on the table. The response I got from that post was almost overwhelmingly positive and I was just in awe with the amount of support I was getting. Despite all of the positivity I was receiving, I of course got a few pretty negative messages from a couple people who I won’t name and have now blocked all communication from. Even a couple negative respondes got me down so much, regardless of everyone else’s amazing remarks.

I’ve learned now to just take people and things as they are. Some people will never move on from the past and change their views on something and those just aren’t the people you want to surround yourself with. It’s been a long journey even in the 7 short months I’ve been out of the closet, I still get some good days and some bad days, but the good days are starting to outweigh the bad.

I’m sure it’ll always be a process and always just be something about me, but I’m kind of excited to see what the future holds. I’m finally a more positive and happier version of myself and I would never take any of it back even if I could.